2009, the year that..

...

• I started my 1st year of uni.
  
• I went to APL a lot with Richard
• I Found out who my true friends were
• I lost a best friend.
• My heart broke 2 times
  
• I went through many random phases.
• I lost a few friends but gained many more
• I discovered what i wanted to truly do career wise
• I finally got a job
• I lost my grandpa from my mums side and lost my grandma from my dads side. R.I.P
• Was really average for me, nothing really spectacular happened
• Had many ups and downs, but i take the good with the bad. Keep my chin up and fight on.

When i think of more things i shall post them up =]

'tis the season to be jolly... well, umm... yeah..

Christmas is in like 2 days from now, and as usual in the recent years im really not all that excited. Maybe cause i grew up from it all or maybe its cause i found out santa was not real. I remember the christmas where i got a PS2 as a present from my parents, it was such an epic gift that when i opened it i quickly took the thing outta the box and played tekken tag tournament which my parents bought with the ps2. Since then my gifts have usually consisted of money and clothes. Maybe this christmas ill get a Ps3 since i;ve been sorta hinting to my parents that i've been wanting one, well even if i don't get it, should be alright after all any gift would suffice, since its the thought that counts.

My christmas casual job at Australia Post Chullora finished today, well apparently theres an option to go tomorrow in our contract but i seriously cannot be fucked to be bothered to go work tomorrow. Part of the reason is that im getting sick of the people i work with. They're nice people i admit but sometimes theyre such lazy fucks and it annoys the fuck outta me. Most of the time they would talk and not do work for like 2 hrs and it was like what the fuck. Our supervisor is heaps nice and is really lenient with everything but i think they just abused that leniency too much. Like i admit i sometimes drift off and tend to bludge, but i try my best to work hard and not fuck up. Its annoying when you know theyre just not doing anything and when they tell me " why are you working so fast" in my head the response i would conjure up is " im not working too fast your just not fucking working at all" but i would just shrug and continue to do work. For the past 3 days at work i just haven't been saying anything just going along with my work. When your silent your ears tend to tune in more, or maybe thats just me. Maybe its why i've been annoyed at my workmates. Cause when i don't talk all i hear is whining. " omg this is so boring..." " omg im so tired (note: this is like 5mins into the start of work) " its really annoying when hearing these things. I can't help but say "stfu and suck it up" but then again im not that hero. In the end it turned out alright made like $2100 from working like 18 days so not bad and i probably wont see those guys ever again. Maybe run into them randomly, but yeah for now, time to enjoy the holiday season.

Snap back to reality

Due to the lack of blogging on my joined blog with Samantha, i've chosen to delete that blog cause it was fails. I haven't informed Samantha but meh oh wells. All i can say is thanks for the invite.

It amazes me that i haven't properly posted something in ages. I remember vaguely saying that i would start to blog more often but i guess work and a lot of other external and internal forces have just left me no time to blog. But i guess i'm back, maybe for the time being or maybe just for a post but i've got a lot on my mind at the moment and I needed to vent.

The feeling of looking forward to something after a weeks worth of work is pretty special (well for me that is) . Knowing on the weekend that you'll be able to hang out with someone you've been wanting to hang out with for quite a while, it got me excited and put a smile on my face. So as i eagerly woke up on Saturday morning hoping the day would be one of the best outings i had in a while i was pretty excited to be hanging with _________. But then came the shit part. Met up with _________ and for me it felt like everything was going downhill. Maybe my expectations were too high but throughout the whole outing it just felt like _________ wasn't making an effort to even converse or was feeling reluctant to be there with me. It was pretty cut and depressing on my part. To rub salt in the wound, she invited her friends for a bit and it was just wtf as she acted all talkative and chatty with them while i was sorta just there in the background. I should've just walked away like kelly told me to but i dont know i wanted to be optimistic but i guess nothing was there. The outing ended with an awkward hug and for me a very lonely train ride home which made me feel more shit. I should've just gone work that day and just dogged the outing. At least at work i would of been making money and also since it was a weekend get double pay.

All I Can say was my weekend was shit. One of the shittest ever. Nothing really compared to how shit i felt that day. The feeling of just not wanting to be there made me just wanna crawl into a hole and hibernate or something. The feeling of giving a gift to her, a well thought out gift to add and having a response of "err thanks..?", fuck that was heaps cut.

Anyways work tomorrow, i'm gonna try sleep this off or something.

goodbye.

i have now moved to

www.panfra.blogspot.com

Writer's Block

It seems to me i haven't blogged in quite a while. I shall soon.

The End

I'll hold on to this moment you know, 'cause I'd bleed my heart out to show

Samantha asked me a question earlier tonight on msn, she asked " who do you consider the closest people to you?" i pondered about this question and i gave her a list of the people i generally do care about and i know in turn care about me. Heres that list:

Richard
Frank
Kevin
Samantha
Philip
Sarah
Tony
Jacky
Jeff
Ware
Ctee
Christine

there are others who were on this list that i do care about but then i thought "do they care about me?" and it just made me ponder where things have come with me and certain friends and how things have come about. It's weird when you find something out, or you think something is going on behind your back, but maybe it is nothing. All i can say is i hate being left out in the dark. If only this was like gossip girl where you'd get a text for every crazy thing that happens but then again my life isn't an American drama or sitcom.

Anyways there's been no improvement with my grandpa or my uncle. Still in hospital both of them and i still don't know the diagnosis of my uncles tumor if its cancerous or not. I kind of think my dad does know but he just doesn't want me to find out. I just hope for the best and things are okay, but for now all i can say is i'm not okay.

time to sleep, job interview tomorrow!

...

Wow i havent blogged since the 22nd of August, pretty long ago, but anyways decided to blog since i need to clear my head a bit. I need some moment of clarity so i though blogging would help.

A lotta stuffs been happening in the past few weeks, uni exams, living by myself for like a week, then with my dad for a week, mum and sis coming back from philippines, a bunch of inflows and out flows into my life. It's been pretty up and down, and i think now im pretty much on a down. Too much saddening shit is happening. My uncle is in hospital, i remember he called like on Monday asking for my dads number, and i asked my dad why my uncle called yesterday, he told me cause he needed a lift to the hospital cause he was getting operated to get a tumor removed from his brain. At that moment this sinking feeling of sadness just overcame me, i then asked my dad if it was cancerous but he said he didnt know if it was or not. So im just kinda waiting for whats to happen. It's really been bugging me and yeah its kinda stressing me out. My uncle is like the greatest bloke. He's always been so nice to me and jsut been caring. It's just a weird shit feeling inside of me.

Also to add to this, the main reason why my mum and sis went back to philppines was to accompany my grandparents back to Australia, cause they needed help getting back cause my grandpa is sick, turns out a day after they came back my mum was panicking and i asked why, said that my grandpa was in hospital. It's been pretty rough, i should visit him soon but fuck, this has been all too fked up.

I don't know how to feel about things, i try to be happy but i end up being sad. It's really just all confusing and just completely depressing. I don;t know where i stand atm in my life, things have just been fked up. Ive been pissed off lately, i hate texting someone and not getting a reply. I've been sending countless texts to someone over the past week, but i havent gotten one single reply. fuck sake. fml

Anyways i think i better just chill off for now. I'm getting pretty shitty.